Saturday, May 19, 2007
a big thank you for all of your birthday presents and wishes, i appreciate it lots :D Actually, it's only this year that i realise the true meaning of birthday. it is not a day to hang out with friends late at night, or receive a lot of presents. It is a day when you remember and think about the pains and worries that the lady who gave birth to you - your mother.
On your birthday, devote some time to her, let her know you appreciate her, for giving birth to you. Not every woman is willing to go through such pains.
Studies wise, i can't blame anyone but me. if i started my revision one month before, it wouldn't be like this. when i received my paper from mdm padma, i feel very disappointed in myself. i know she feels disappointed in me. i can tell from her eyes. it's not the first time. i will work harder. i will.
if people who study, revise intensively weeks before, or maybe even months before, if they do badly, they can cry. But it's absurd to have someone, who didn't study, and revised last minute to cry when they fail. i keep telling myself that. i don't even have the right to cry. i don't deserve any sympathy.
Today, we attended the YMCA youth for causes official launch. when wanru and i re-watched the farewell video yesterday, many thoughts went through our minds. whatever happened in these few years had been meaningful to me. Being part of the famous 5 is my honour.
recently, i heard that a new famous 4 was formed. I thought. I pondered. I realised. it is coming to an end. after these two big projects - small steps big hearts and annual campfire, i'm really putting guides down. or am i? i don't know.
maybe 'putting down' has crossed my mind for many times, but they merely 'crossed' and never did materialise. will i be able to put it down? looking at my papers, i have a firm decision. i need to. i had to. but i want to carry my reponsibilties till the very end.
someone told me i'll always find a job. (hahahahaha) i thought it wasn't true. why? because there's strong competition. with my skills, untrained, unprofessional, purely self-taught. how can i survive? anyone who fiddle with the photoshop or the pencil in one year, will definately achieve the same standards as me. there are many things which i want to try. so many things which i love to do. how? the future seems so bleak.
'focus on your Os now' - that was what i was always told. it's true, but... have you ever thought of where you want to go? i feel like i'm rowing a boat in the mist, you can't see where you are going, but you keep rowing and rowing. and somehow, you'll get to somewhere.
Today, we met our mentor for YMCA youth for causes. He's a very enthusiastic man. When he said that he recommended me to study media arts in polytechnic, i was with mixed emotions. did he really mean it? i'm not good.
Few days before my birthday, i was thinking of writing a card for close friends.. i keep thinking. if you think that i don't care about our friendship anymore, you're wrong. i care. i care and i really care. i care so much that i don't want to hurt both of us anymore. i think the current situation is best for us.
That day, i went to friendster, i read your previous testimonials to me. everything happened so fast that i didn't realised that our friendship became a bridge with no support at the sides to hold on to. Small animals may be able to cross, but neither of us are able to.
what happened to the conversations between us? it's no longer about us, like those times in the past. we changed. our distance widened. i know i'm responsible for it. i won't ask for anything more from you.
GANBATTE.
happiness is...
